Ladies and gentlemen, males and females, cephalopods and specimen of many kind, I believe the time has finally come I awaken from my 1000 year power nap. Unlike the simplistic one word negative braincell alphabetical combination signifiers my coworkers have selected as their online identities, I have gone above and beyond the line of duty, digging diligently beyond the stratosphere for the perfect phrase that pays. Unfortunately, my check must have gotten lost in the mail, but until I am rightfully compensated I shall roll with the punch-in lunch-ins. My screen name is Spring Break Steaks, but you can call me Spring, Break, Steak, or whatever the hell crosses your content craniums. I am unlike any sports editor known to man, as my thought process and brain capacity exceeds that of the masses. Those who are not me shall grovel beneath my butter infested toes as I feed them nothing but knowledge, facts and ass. The one thing you need to remember in this pitiful existence we call “life” is that I am superior to all creatures roaming this excessively massive spherical miracle polluted rotating dumb rock. My mind, up here. Your mind, down here. Caveman get? Me smart, you dumb. I rule, you sit. I eat, you shit. Never forget this, or I’ll cross over the blue line guns blazing sun tasing 360 spin back drop off the face off ollie Tony Hawk Pro Skate 3 titsy whitsy tip top photo crop into the zone through the legs in and out just like that split splat sploot flicking the bisky up in the air like i just don’t fuckin care bar rip leave a tip 1 nothing good guys on ur stinky baby pinky asses in a flash. Now that the introduction is out of the way, I’d like to quickly discuss something that has been on my mind ever since May 7, 2019.
Good Ol’ holly jolly Kenny has been hired to the Edmonton oilers as their General Manager, a few weeks after hiring Stevie Y back into the Wings office. (Stevie Y? More like Stevie Y r u here jujujujujuju lel) While this sweaty palm of a state is up in arms, stuck in an infinite time loop of nipple twists and stem stroking over the return of their captain, Big Ken has taken a long overdue hike in hopes of redeeming his destruction of the D. Now, I have nothing against the guy. He seems like a great individual, and I thank him for building this legendary dynasty in the 90s, and continuing this legacy he has built for nearly 15 years afterwards. I won’t be fibbing and farting around with the truth here, as he has been a trash compactor of an overseer for the past 6 years or so, slowly but surely crushing the wings into a crumbling compiled cluster of fuck. Resigning garbage players like Danny Dekeyser, Justin Abdelkader, Mike Green, and so on. I could continue for an eternity it feels like on how bad some of these players are. In terms of skill, speed, awareness, playmaking abilities, defensive abilities, oh sweet baby back ribs on a Tuesday evening they lack it all. But the absolute worst of these players comes to light when you realize how dead they look inside. No emotion, no heart, and no effort is shown or seen on or off the ice when it comes to facing reality. I see no pep in anyones slimy step or a care in the world from these stone cold statues guarding the zone, except for the young guns like Dylan barkin Larkin for example. What Ken sees in these guys must be beyond my Godmode IQ, because I see shells of human beings pretending to be hockey players.
He also likes to sign aging veterans in the middle of a rebuild. Thomas Vanek, Trevor Daley, Johnathan Bernier, etc. I was just baffled by some of the decisions he was making. He still actually thought we were cup contenders in 2016. He actually looked down at the roster, scoped through every individual player, looked Chris Ilitch in his saucy, pizza filled eyes and said, “Yeah, Imma do it bitch.” (He didn’t say that I’m just being sarcastic don’t sue me) I personally feel like he is going to make the same moves with Edmonton and hire some veterans in the process of a retool. Either you invest in another superstar player to rip rope alongside McJesus, or you hold off on the cash Kenny. No more 3rd line at best, 15-goals-a-year “snipers”. No more worthless 40 year old war vets that only like to wear oakleys and hit people. This isn’t 94′, its 2019. The game has evolved, and as a result, has also made people like Ken Holland irrelevant in the business. Again, I respect him as a human, he is a great man and has done a lot of great things over the years. I just think his thought process is not in touch with today’s game of hockey. I genuinely hope he does well with this great opportunity he has in front of him. We can only hope for the best, because I personally cannot bear to stand by and watch McDavid’s diamond bright future be cut off abruptly by young dusters and the elderly, greying, mummified zombies that I pray will not be working alongside him. MMM well well well, my steaks have commenced the cooking process, as they are now viable for edibility. If you’ll excuse me, I gotta stuff this meat down my throat in a flash, I’ll see you peons out back in the next publication of genius by yours truly.