Tiger Woods netted major number 15 today at Augusta, his first major in 11 years. This monumental victory has people going wild and for good reason, it’s the greatest sporting moment in recent history. Unlike most people I stopped celebrating after a few hours and started asking myself the real questions which led me to the deepest, most thought provoking question I have ever conjured up: Has Tiger Woods passed Jesus as the greatest man to walk the earth? I have broken down aspects of their lives into categories and awarded the winner a point. BEWARE THE RESULTS ARE STUNNING.
ACHIEVEMENTS: Jesus comes off to a strong start with the Ten Commandments. They may or may not influence the morals of current civilizations whatever. He also may have started the 3rd most popular religion in the world today. Nothing to scoff at. However, Tiger’s achievements dwarf Jesus’s. 15 majors spanning 22 years, and at the time of this blog, 570,000 twitter mentions. Call me crazy but I’m pretty sure even in his prime Jesus has 0 twitter mentions. Point: Tiger
Miracles: I know what you’re thinking, Pav this is stupid Tiger hasn’t preformed any miracles and Jesus was a walking miracle. Yeah so maybe he did cure some guy with leprosy, perhaps he did turn bread into fish. So what he turned water into wine. That’s the most hyped up miracle of all time. I can buy a fat bottle of Barefoot Pink Moscato for ten dollars, now accounting for inflation Jesus could have bought a bottle for give or take 3 sheep and a goat. Turning water into wine was a tremendous waste of time and resources in my humble opinion. Tiger on the other hand, turned hookers into girlfriends. GOAT. If you aren’t sold yet hear me out. He was sluggin hookers and pornstars like a wedge from 200 yards away and to the best of my knowledge, he is STD clean. Unreal absolutely unreal, that is a real miracle. Point: Tiger
Physical capabilities: Yes Jesus allegedly carried a big ass wooden cross for a little bit. To that I say- I respect the grind Jesus buuuuuuuut step aside boss. Yes carrying a giant fucking cross is gnarly no ones going to argue, but whats more gnarly? Carrying the entire sport of golf on your back. Yes Tiger Woods has been and currently is hoisting the PGA on his back and it’s not even phasing him. This man is not from earth. Point: Tiger
Drip Factor: This ones the most obvious. I don’t want people to think i’m ragging on Jesus because i’m not really i’m sure he was a great guy. With that that being said, he was a walking brick. There is no photo evidence but i’m pretty sure he dressed in rags and sandals. Not even Birkenstocks either… can’t relate. Tiger though must wear slip resistant shoes because I do not understand how he isn’t slipping and sliding around with all his drip. He’s a fashion icon plain and simple. Because of Mean Girls broads wear pink on Wednesday’s, but because of Tiger men wear red on Sundays and why i’m writing in red. Thank you Tiger. Point: Tiger
There you have it, Tiger with the clean 4-0 sweep. You can’t make this stuff up. He’s the greatest athlete and human to ever live. Thank you for reading TTYL