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Why Richard Taylor is a beta

Before I say anything, let it be known that I am a fan of Richard Taylor. I’ve known him since I popped out of my mother, so I think it’s fair to take my word for what it is. I do think Rich can be funny. I think he’s at his funniest when he thinks he’s being funny, because he’s not great at jokes, but he’s great at laughing at his jokes, which in turn get a laugh out of me. Another thing is he can sometimes electrify a dead crowd. Usually that means slamming himself through a ping pong table, yelling obnoxiously “shotgun time”, or puking all over the floor at a Christmas party. Lastly, Rich is loyal. Argue whether that is a beta move or not, that’s a characteristic I want in my friend. Shit, you can even ask one of your mutual friend’s girlfriend for booty pics and he’ll still hangout with you when most other people wouldn’t. Now let’s kick it off to why I see Rich as a beta:

1. Hides in Fortnite: I put this at the top for obvious reasons. Fortnite is a survival game where only the strong survive. Hiding in fortnite is a sign of weakness. Alpha’s don’t care whether it’s a 4×4 brick fort, they build up into that bitch and blue pump 250 damage headshot 4 kids in 4 slugs. Sure, you can win a couple games hiding in one of the ten houses in Pleasant Park. But is it really that satisfying to see “Victory Royale” next to 3 kills? I don’t think so.

2. “Shotgun Rich”: Now I like to say “Self-proclaimed Shotgun Rich” but I’m wrong for saying that. Apparently he was given that nickname so I can’t say otherwise. Regardless, he’s beta for calling himself this because you can’t put a noun in-front of your name if you’re not the king of that. I’m the Don, which fits, because what am I the Don at? It’s open ended, it could be anything. Maybe I’m the best at NHL? Maybe I’m just the best at being myself? It works, it makes sense. “Shotgun” Rich loses in shotguns. Can he beat me? Hell yeah he can. But do I call myself “Shotgun Donny”? Hell no.

3. Uses alcohol consumption as a personality trait: How much beer can you drink? Oh, you’ve never drank 30 beers, puked all over yourself, and did it all over the next day? Then fuck you. I think those last sentences sum up his mindset when meeting new males. Being a beta, he has to see who he can be dominant over. Trying to become an alpha by thinking if he consumes more alcohol than someone, it makes him one.

4. NHL: NHL is a game of alphas. If you’re nice on the sticks, you’re probably an alpha. Rich owns the game, and has a PS4. Therefore, going in the the NHL 18 Tournament, he was already at an advantage. He played against Ashton Abraham, who has never played the game, doesn’t own a console, and hasn’t used a controller in 3 years. Ashton beat Rich. Just a few weeks ago, Chris Pavlic was playing EASHL with Rich. They made it to the championship, and Pav actually had 3 goals. Easy win you’d think? Wrong. Rich single handily lost the game, not helping on either side of the ice. I say that without knowing anything besides Pav had 3 goals and they lost.

5. Not accepting his “Beta”: By no means is being a beta a bad thing. Look at Pippen, or Klay Thompson, or Alvin Kamara, or Nick Foles. All are/were the number 2 guys on their teams. Nick Foles won a Super Bowl ffs. If the world’s population was filled with alphas, we’d probably be extinct. I would argue that beta’s are more of a necessity than alphas, maybe.

A few more examples include: drives under the speed limit, wears a neon green hat, his little brother is funnier than him, and lied on twitter about eating a tin.

Usually, I would double down on my argument and explain why I’m dead ass serious. When you scream out your car window to somebody “Fuck you” and they follow you home to whoop your ass, you can’t say sorry. You actually say it again and swing first if I’m being honest. However, I’m not going to do that (beta move, I know). If you actually read this far, you know this is all out of love for Rich. He is an incredible man, and I can’t wait for the day he gets laid. Can I get some “Kappa Pride” in the comment section? Heart you Rich.

14 comments

  1. Beautifuly written. Sounds to me that, even though Rich is a hell of a guy, he is most definitely a beta. Can’t wait for your next post Mr. donnypenguin.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I thoroughly enjoyed the insight and creativity you used to bring this story together. This piece was a lot different than your previous work, but I was highly satisfied upon finishing the article. As a Richard Taylor fan myself, I appreciate that you gave him the time of day and made some great points. As always, looking forward to the Don’s next piece.

    Like

  3. As a person that personally bowled with Richard Taylor for 3 Years I can validate a majority of the claims made in this post. Richard Taylor is most definitely a beta, thank you Don for this great piece.

    Like

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